3 Ways to Cope with Isolation in this Unique Holiday Season

The end of 2020 is shaping up to be a difficult one for many of us, even though we’re seeing light at the end of the tunnel with the vaccines beginning to be distributed. Still, these next few weeks, many of us will be facing isolation and loneliness due to the need to stay safe during the Covid-19 pandemic.

I thought I’d offer three tools to help alleviate the emotional pain of being isolated from others at Hanukkah or Christmas (or whatever winter holiday you celebrate). If a suggestion doesn’t resonate with you, that’s fine; try another one.

Cultivate equanimity

Equanimity is a calm and even-tempered state of mind that knows that everyone’s life has its share of good times and disappointments, joys and sorrows. Life is a constant mix of getting what we want and not getting what we want. When I can accept with grace that I cannot celebrate the holidays the way I would if wishes always came true, I can begin to let go of any anger or resentment I feel about the effects of Covid-19 on the holidays. This letting go also makes me feel a warm connection to everyone else because we’re all in this together. That connection — that kinship — goes a long way toward helping me feel at peace with the holidays as they are this year.

Practice Tonglen

Tonglen is a compassion practice from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. It’s counter-intuitive, which is why the Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön says that tonglen reverses ego’s logic. We’re usually told to breathe in peaceful and healing thoughts and images, and to breathe out our pain and suffering. In tonglen practice, however, we do just the opposite — we breathe in the suffering of others and breathe out whatever measure of kindness, serenity, and compassion we have to offer them.

Here’s how I plan to use tonglen to help with the pain of isolation this holiday season. I’ll breathe in the sadness and pain of everyone who is unable to be with others. Then I’ll breathe out whatever measure of kindness, compassion, and peace of mind I have to give them. As I do this, I’m aware that I’m breathing in my own sadness and pain; and, when I breathe out kindness, compassion, and peace of mind for them, I’m also sending those sublime emotions to myself. I like to call tonglen a two-for-one compassion practice — I’m not only cultivating kindness, serenity, and compassion for others who are alone, I’m cultivating them for myself.

When I practice tonglen, no matter for what reason, I feel a deep connection everyone who shares my circumstances and that eases my emotional suffering. My eyes might fill with tears as I breathe in other people’s pain and sadness this holiday season, but I know those tears will be the “dew of compassion” for both them and me.

If you find it difficult to breathe in other people’s suffering, then just breathe normally and call to mind everyone who shares your difficulties this holiday season. Then, in whatever way feels natural to you, send them thoughts of kindness, compassion, and peace. You need not breathe in others’ suffering in order to feel connected to them or to enfold both them and yourself in your heartfelt wish to ease the suffering of being isolated during the holidays.

Cultivate Self-Compassion

There’s precious little we control in this life, but we can control how we treat ourselves. In my opinion, there’s never a good reason not to be kind to ourselves. I recommend that you pick specific words that express the sadness you’re feeling about the holidays, and then repeat them silently or softly to yourself in a gentle and soothing voice. Your words might be similar to these: “It’s painful to light the Hanukkah candles by myself this year” or “I’m feeling sad and lonely that I can’t be with my family this Christmas.” As you repeat your phrases, you might try stroking one arm with the hand of the other. Stroking my arm or my cheek with my hand never fails to ease my emotional pain.

Expressing compassion for yourself in this way lets you know that you care about your suffering. This alone will make this holiday season easier to bear.

Sending everyone warm wishes and hoping for a more calm and peaceful 2021.